30 year college graduate seeking work. Preferably, job must be high-paying, with little or no office time or work-from-home time. Must require no effort, physical, mental, or otherwise. I will be accepting interviews only from employers in the "no boss" sector.
*I am an enthusiastic sunbather
*I love to dine in good restaurants
*I have a distinct ability to nap at any given moment and I am very tenacious in my efforts to stay asleep
*I am a highly dedicated smart-ass
*I have an unparalleled love for prosciutto
*I am assertive with my opinions regarding wine consumption, odd behavior of Italians, and whether or not Martha Stewart annunciates her Ts out of correctness or pretension.
I would be an obvious asset to any company seeking individuals who have mastered the art of an eloquent, intelligent happy hour debate about why Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston, as well as a honed skill for imitating Donald Trump.
If you are a passive employer who needs to fill a position in your company with someone as qualified as me, please call immediately, as long as it is not before noon, or during the hours of Law and Order (original and SVU), E.R., or The Bachelor.